June 14, 2009:
I’m sitting at YVR waiting for my call to board the plane. For the most part I am feeling relatively calm, except for a few fleeting moments of panic that keep slipping by… “What the HELL am I doing???!!!”. My kept mother asking me several times today over and over “Are you sure that you really want to do this??” Simone’s constant questioning about this trip and pointing out that my Vancouver life is indeed very full- why do I need to run away?? (I love you girl!!) have both tested my personal resolve. But I am trusting in the higher purpose of my life that I need a change and that I am open to receiving this change. I am known to be a free spirited girl with slightly flighty intentions (as well as a having firm grasp on living life to the fullest) but never have I ever surrendered to the unknown. I am usually very calculated, slightly fearful and self- deprecating when it comes to my future. And here I am now standing in a line up stepping into the most bold and brave move I have ever done. Moving away.
Its amazing to me how in the final remaining days before a major change the very things that you want to change/leave suddenly become illuminated and bearable. I have been so weary of Vancouver and have a constant unfilled desire to high- tail away from here...yet when I sat last night surrounded by friends and deeply loved ones I realized how lucky I really am. Moving away to start fresh started to feel like a bad idea. But in order for me to get this out of my system, I need to try.
So I am on a plane to London. I am going with no job, work permit, home, or family. I am indeed alone. I do have friends there and I will make new friends of course, but nothing will ever be able to replace the ones I am leaving behind. I have left a job that I have really come to adore, unconditional love and security from vigilant friends and family, left a wonderful cozy home full of memories, and contracted out my dance gigs. In a lot of ways I am crazy. But I am also crazy for adventure.
Many things have started to line up for me when I decided this trip was more than a holiday. Situations started to appear that made me think that I am really being supported externally. Moving out of my home was a really hard thing to do, and I couldn’t even think about it before. But as things played out I realized that this was one of the ways I needed to free myself and just let go. I looked at it more as a gift in the end, and was thankful for the 3 years that I was able to live there. Sometimes we need a bigger push to allow ourselves to let go. In the end I don’t want to have 1 foot here in Vancouver, and another foot in London.
I had a poster hanging on the back of my door at my apartment. It was the Dahlai Lama’s 20 famous quotes. One of them said “Great love takes great risk”. This has become my personal mantra over the past few weeks when I suddenly have a seizing panic. I am not moving to the UK for Martin, but see him as a catalyst for my decision. For years I have talked about doing this and it’s finally come down to the wire to just go and do it. I needed to find myself a nice man who inspires me to do things…not just all stick to all talk and no action. I am standing in a position where many other women have stood before. I guess this is a part of the sacrifice that women in love make for men!
I realize how hard things will be for me, and I hope that I will be able to see the bigger picture when I am feeling down. I look forward to hearing from you and keeping in touch…the feeling of love is truly overwhelming and I thank everyone who is in my life. I also thank all of you who turned to out help me move and give lots of emotional support. And to my wonderful parents who now have my entire life in their living room…I’m so sorry!
With much love and hope,